About a Painting...
November 23, 2021
I have been without a studio space for some time. A niche in my bedroom has been a makeshift work area for the past couple of years. Meanwhile, as I've already shared in previous posts, my wee studio on a lake about 40 minutes from my home is almost finished and I foresee a lot of time there in the near future. I used to have a really cute little studio space in Fort Langley. It was just down the street from where I currently live and on a street that holds a dear spot in my heart for my father Francis and my favourite Saint, St. Francis of Asissi...but I digress. Since moving out of the studio my painting on large scale canvases has been somewhat curtailed. I'm itching to get back to it!
One of the last larger paintings that I completed was in the fall of 2018. My older brother Dan was dying in hospital and I had just returned from seeing him for one of the last times. I started painting on a large canvas and was listening to music and was overcome with emotion. The tears were flowing as was the paint. At one point I sat down and stared at the canvas until I started to see three figures emerging from the colours and I proceeded to paint them and the rest of the painting into the wee hours. This was a profound experience. It was very therapeutic and like I was being guided. Something that always haunted me throughout my younger years and into my adulthood was feeling as though I was overly emotional. I was surrounded by people who had been conditioned, as I had been too, to thinking that crying was a sign of weakness and something to be avoided at all costs. I am a deep feeler and when I’m sad, I’ll cry just as when I’m overjoyed and moved, I’ll cry. My brother Dan was very sensitive and yet trapped in this paradigm of emotional suppression using his humour (and anger) to release and vent his emotions. There were times when he’d be in a panic when a strong emotion flooded his body. I realized as I was in the throes of emotional release while painting this image - I was finally at peace within my own emotional self. I want to champion these tears and recognize them as my strength in being able to stay with them. I now see that the true courage and strength comes from weathering our emotions and staying present for them, even when it isn’t comfortable and we want to run from them, distract away from them. Feeling them and allowing them is where the healing happens. This is also an act of self-love.
When I posted a picture of the painting on social media it was apparent that there was something about this painting that spoke to quite a few people. A few days later I came across a poem that seemed to express so perfectly what I have often felt. This idea of a "too much woman" resonated with me as it was something that was too often suggested to me as I was growing up - and throughout my life at various times. Of being "too emotional", "too sensitive", etc...I think that these so-called feminine characteristics have been deemed as weaknesses in the past, but the paradigm is shifting on that one. I believe that more and more the wild feminine prevails. It is a strong force, and is about being fully alive and engaged in life. Living a life on purpose. Being unapologetic about feelings and the expression of human emotions. This is an exciting time for people like me, and there are many of us too much women! This is strength!!
Too Much Woman
"There she is. . . the “too much” woman. The one who loves too hard, feels too deeply, asks too often, desires too much.
There she is taking up too much space, with her laughter, her curves, her honesty, her sexuality. Her presence is as tall as a tree, as wide as a mountain. Her energy occupies every crevice of the room. Too much space she takes.
There she is causing a ruckus with her persistent wanting, too much wanting. She desires a lot, wants everything—too much happiness, too much alone time, too much pleasure. She’ll go through brimstone, murky river, and hellfire to get it. She’ll risk all to quell the longings of her heart and body. This makes her dangerous.
She is dangerous.
And there she goes, that “too much” woman, making people think too much, feel too much, swoon too much. She with her authentic prose and a self-assuredness in the way she carries herself. She with her belly laughs and her insatiable appetite and her proneness to fiery passion. All eyes on her, thinking she’s hot shit.
Oh, that “too much” woman. . . too loud, too vibrant, too honest, too emotional, too smart, too intense, too pretty, too difficult, too sensitive, too wild, too intimidating, too successful, too fat, too strong, too political, too joyous, too needy—too much.
She should simmer down a bit, be taken down a couple notches.
Someone should put her back in a more respectable place. Someone should tell her.
Here I am. . . the Too Much Woman, with my too-tender heart and my too-much emotions.
A hedonist, feminist, pleasure seeker, empath. I want a lot—justice, sincerity, spaciousness, ease, intimacy, actualization, respect, to be seen, to be understood, your undivided attention, and all of your promises to be kept.
I’ve been called high maintenance because I want what I want, and intimidating because of the space I occupy. I’ve been called selfish because I am self-loving. I’ve been called a witch because
I know how to heal myself.
And still. . . I rise. Still, I want and feel and ask and risk and take up space.
I must.
Us Too Much Women have been facing extermination for centuries—we are so afraid of her, terrified of her big presence, of the way she commands respect and wields the truth of her feelings. We’ve been trying to stifle the Too Much Woman for ions
—in our sisters, in our wives, in our daughters. And even now, even today, we shame the Too Much Woman for her bigness, for her wanting, for her passionate nature.
And still. . . she thrives.
In my own world and before my very eyes, I am witnessing the reclamation and rising up of the Too Much Woman. That Too Much Woman is also known to some as Wild Woman or the Divine Feminine. In any case, she is me, she is you, and she is loving that she’s finally, finally getting some airtime.
If you’ve ever been called “too much,” or “overly emotional,” or “bitchy,” or “stuck up,” you are likely a Too Much Woman.
And if you are. . . I implore you to embrace all that you are—all of your depth, all of your vastness; to not hold yourself in, and to never abandon yourself, your bigness, your radiance.
Forget everything you’ve heard—your too muchness is a gift; oh yes, one that can heal, incite, liberate, and cut straight to the heart of things.
Do not be afraid of this gift, and let no one shy you away from it. Your too muchness is magic, is medicine. It can change the world.
So please, Too Much Woman: Ask. Seek. Desire. Expand. Move. Feel. Be.
Make your waves, fan your flames, give your chills."
~~~ Ev'Yan Whitney
(with much gratitude for these words that speak to the too much women of the world)
I have received several requests for prints from people and in order to make it easier I have uploaded this piece to an online gallery with a printer. This enables people to custom print the image as per their specifications. You may link to the online gallery here:
https://www.canadaoncanvas.com/artworks/gallery.php?cid=9850&group=
Here is an example of a giclee print from www.canadaoncanvas.com that a young woman purchased and had customized to cover her bathroom mirror:
https://www.instagram.com/p/CMqe7TJnr6L/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
Thank you for your support and appreciation!
Excitement is in the Air!!
On the last morning of the retreat I saw a beetle that looked just like these ones - and they are a symbol of transformation. I did this digital drawing to amplify the auspicious sighting of the beetle. A friend pointed out that I was wearing black and white clothing when I saw the beetle...!
November 19, 2021
What an exciting time! I recently attended a healing retreat for a combination of personal and professional reasons. It has proven to be one of the most transformative experiences of my life. Not only have I made huge advances in terms of the personal issues that I've been working through - it's also effected an enormous shift in how I approach all aspects of my life. I feel enormously grateful. It's like a veil has been lifted and certain things that used to seem important no longer are. My fuller appreciation for the sacredness of time and how I spend it has also deepened. I will continue to align my values, especially of authenticity and integrity with everything and everyone that I am involved with. Grateful to be able to grow and learn.
Things have been really picking up in terms of my art and my life in general. I have several art projects and collaborations on the go and it's invigorating.
It feels like all the things that I have worked on up until this point in my life are starting to bear fruit. It's delicious!!
Meanwhile, the little art studio on the lake is now almost finished and I just have a few final touches to do before I occupy the space. It's a magical place and I look forward to being able to dream and play from there. I also envision hosting small mini-retreats there with people who want to enjoy the outdoors and make art for a day or two. My teen daughter is already planning on having a couple of girlfriends there and I hope that the space inspires their creativity. This gorgeous sunset photo was taken from outside my studio door!
I feel incredibly grateful for these opportunities and will be able to share more details in the weeks to come!
Happy weekend.
XO
My beetle visitor, a “Deliathis nivea” a longicorn beetle seen in Guanacaste, Costa Rica, October, 2021
Sunset from the lakehouse studio deck
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The lakehouse studio!
Healing…November 8, 2021
It’s been several months since I’ve entered anything new into this space. Shortly after the last entry, my mother discovered that she had advanced lung cancer that had spread throughout her tiny body. This news was quite devastating for me and my family. We’d experienced the loss of my father Lionel in 2008, my brothers Dave in 2016 and Dan in 2018 as well as my birth father Frank in 2016. The losses had already created a sort of feeling, of sadness that lingered… and I was allowing time to take its course. Grief is a part of life and a price we pay for loving hard. I think I’d been mentally preparing for the inevitable loss of my mom for some time - but when it was looming large, I was very distraught. My mom was someone who totally got me and we were very close. She lived across the country and when we spoke we’d either get into deep, heartfelt conversations that often covered the state of the world or we’d be completely silly. The silly chats were getting more and more difficult as my mom dealt with outliving two of her children, a grief that she wore and kept her isolated from seeking out friends. The pandemic only cemented this tendency to self-isolate. She mainly had time for her immediate family, but was otherwise content to stay in her little house and listen to her music collection. Luckily, we’re a big family and there was always some family member able to stop in and spend time with her. When the news of the cancer diagnosis hit, it was a revolving door of love bombs her way. She had so many fans and was very well-loved. On June 25th, 2021 we helped her to “lift off” as she would say. As far as deathbed experiences go, it was perfect. She was at peace and happy to have us by her side. She was lucid and smiling and wearing a hand painted silk scarf that I had given her. Her spitfire spirit shone brightly and we hugged cried, laughed, held her and then she was gone. Prior to Covid I was already on a healing journey. Aware of the way that unresolved grief can tear at us and add to it. It can be hard on relationships when it’s not being properly aired and given room to breathe. I’ve been healing and allowing the feelings to happen. The tears still flow at times, I miss her and will always have an ache - but I do feel like she is with me and guiding me. I wrote her obituary which I found quite challenging yet therapeutic: https://passages.winnipegfreepress.com/passage-details/id-299671/ORLIKOW_ANNE A writer for the Free Press wound up writing a follow up article about her as well: https://passages.winnipegfreepress.com/article/id-190/The_heart_of_ Art is a big part of my healing and I’m excited by what’s coming next. My mom always championed my creativity. I am starting to feel all my creative urges and impulses return after a period where it seemed to go dormant. I know from experience that these emotional depths are also rich places for expression. The rainy weather is here where I live and perfect for making big cups of tea, throwing on a podcast or music and playing with art!
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Mom and I with her fierce (not really) protector Daisy. A massive St. Bernard, a gentle giant.
Here’s mom with her devoted cat Tico who stayed by her side as a loyal protector throughout her last days. Tico now lives in the country with a loving family.
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Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig...
A recent painting of a pool in Bali where I visited in the fall of 2019 as seen on the wall of my living room in January of 2021
January 27th, 2021
The pandemic has been a real challenge like no other that we’ve seen in our lifetime. I’m trying to use the time to get more focused and clear about priorities. I’ve been harvesting experiences from previous travels and incorporating some of them into my art work. It’s certainly a great way to reminisce about those experiences and to decorate the walls in a January like no other!
I’m trying to embrace the quietude that this time has created. Besides seeing clients and spending time with family, I am working on being more in tune with my “voice” as an artist. I don’t have major plans for huge transformations, but more so to go a little deeper and to stay the course. Hopefully soon this pandemic will behind us all. XO Nancy
The pandemic has been a real challenge like no other that we’ve seen in our lifetime. I’m trying to use the time to get more focused and clear about priorities. I’ve been harvesting experiences from previous travels and incorporating some of them into my art work. It’s certainly a great way to reminisce about those experiences and to decorate the walls in a January like no other!
I’m trying to embrace the quietude that this time has created. Besides seeing clients and spending time with family, I am working on being more in tune with my “voice” as an artist. I don’t have major plans for huge transformations, but more so to go a little deeper and to stay the course. Hopefully soon this pandemic will behind us all. XO Nancy
Patience is a Virtue
The lakehouse studio under construction during a pandemic
,March 6, 2021
The above photo was taken about 3 weeks ago, which is amazing as we’ve since moved into a much warmer springlike time of year here on the west coast. The smaller house is a studio that is being built on my partner’s property about 40 minutes by car (door to door) from where I live, but it’s across the border in Bellingham, Washington. When we started building it last year, we had no idea that the border would remain shuttered for so long. We’re coming up to the one year anniversary of the Canada/USA border closure. The border remains closed indefinitely. To say that it’s been tough is a huge understatement.
This past year has taught me to be mindful and grateful for all the things that are most important: my children; my significant other; my friends and family; my health; my career; my dog; and being able to make art. Less importantly, since the pandemic, I have grown fonder of my workouts, nutritional yeast on popcorn, riveting Netflix series/movies, laughter, macchiatos with steamed oat milk, Stash ‘Christmas in Paris’ tea, clean sheets, baths, phone and video calls with my friends and family, WhatsApp family chat, Instagram, online art groups, forest walks, podcasts, cooking with my kids, Spotify, Audiobooks, and my art corner, to name a few. I am doing my best to be patient with all the delays and my inability to see the project in person.
The idyllic little cottage studio is such an exciting project. I have so many ideas and daydreams about the eventual time when I will be able to freely drive across the border to be there... cannot wait! As much as the initial project was intended as a means for providing me with a studio space - the daydreams involve a much more communal and joyous sharing of the space and the setting. We have big plans for the yard and garden. I look forward to hosting friends and family at this spot. The bunkie studio has a sleeping loft and it will offer views of the lake with screened windows that will let that fresh air into the space, and the sounds of the toads and the birds chirping. Stay tuned as the project continues to unfold. I will share more pictures in the next few months.
As we await a vaccinated population and ultimately a level of control over the pandemic, I am going to keep going hard towards my dreams and goals. I hope you’re managing well during this time. One day at a time...This too shall pass. Onward!
The above photo was taken about 3 weeks ago, which is amazing as we’ve since moved into a much warmer springlike time of year here on the west coast. The smaller house is a studio that is being built on my partner’s property about 40 minutes by car (door to door) from where I live, but it’s across the border in Bellingham, Washington. When we started building it last year, we had no idea that the border would remain shuttered for so long. We’re coming up to the one year anniversary of the Canada/USA border closure. The border remains closed indefinitely. To say that it’s been tough is a huge understatement.
This past year has taught me to be mindful and grateful for all the things that are most important: my children; my significant other; my friends and family; my health; my career; my dog; and being able to make art. Less importantly, since the pandemic, I have grown fonder of my workouts, nutritional yeast on popcorn, riveting Netflix series/movies, laughter, macchiatos with steamed oat milk, Stash ‘Christmas in Paris’ tea, clean sheets, baths, phone and video calls with my friends and family, WhatsApp family chat, Instagram, online art groups, forest walks, podcasts, cooking with my kids, Spotify, Audiobooks, and my art corner, to name a few. I am doing my best to be patient with all the delays and my inability to see the project in person.
The idyllic little cottage studio is such an exciting project. I have so many ideas and daydreams about the eventual time when I will be able to freely drive across the border to be there... cannot wait! As much as the initial project was intended as a means for providing me with a studio space - the daydreams involve a much more communal and joyous sharing of the space and the setting. We have big plans for the yard and garden. I look forward to hosting friends and family at this spot. The bunkie studio has a sleeping loft and it will offer views of the lake with screened windows that will let that fresh air into the space, and the sounds of the toads and the birds chirping. Stay tuned as the project continues to unfold. I will share more pictures in the next few months.
As we await a vaccinated population and ultimately a level of control over the pandemic, I am going to keep going hard towards my dreams and goals. I hope you’re managing well during this time. One day at a time...This too shall pass. Onward!
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